


The whisk and the nutella

by ununpentium



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humour, complete and utter nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 04:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununpentium/pseuds/ununpentium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John gets another one of <i>those</i> emails and Sherlock takes drastic action.</p><p>A cracky and quite nonsensical short story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The whisk and the nutella

“You’ve done what?” John shouted into his phone as he stopped abruptly in the middle of the pavement, creating a small human pile-up behind him. “I’m sorry, but it _sounded_ like you said you oven baked my laptop,” John barked out a short laugh, ignoring the swearing aimed at him from the disgruntled people behind him. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and imagined he was somewhere very, very far away from Sherlock Holmes.

“Right. So, you _did_ cook my laptop. In the oven. It’s… cooked. Right,” John pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled sharply. “Sherlock, please tell me you had a very good reason to destroy my property? That laptop was only a few months old! I swear to god if you tell me you did this because you were bored then when I get back there I shall- Oh you bastard, you do not hang up on me, Sherlock.” John thrust his phone back into his jacket pocket and marched in the direction of the nearest tube station.

-

When John stepped into 221b Sherlock was lying upside down on the sofa. His legs were resting against the wall and his hair was brushing against the floor. He made no indication that he acknowledged John’s presence.

John crossed his arms angrily.

“Sherlock? You better have a really good fucking reason for destroying my laptop, or a grovelling apology.”

Sherlock sighed heavily.

“I shall not apologise, I was doing you a favour.”

“What do you mean you were doing me a favour? How is incinerating my laptop doing me a favour?”

Sherlock scrunched up his face.

“You got another email. From her. The very persistent, very naked lady.” Sherlock righted himself, stood up and walked into the kitchen to retrieve the remains of John’s laptop. “I had to destroy the evidence, John! I couldn’t make myself unsee it.” Sherlock waved the burnt, melted lump of plastic and metal in front of John’s face.

“The…lady. The naked… Oh god, the lady with the whisk and the Nutella?” John closed his eyes tightly.

“Yes, John, except this time she had peanut butter, a rolling pin and an electric toothbrush. I didn’t think it was physically possible to-” John clamped his hand firmly over Sherlock’s mouth.

“Jesus Christ, Sherlock, I don’t want a graphic description! I’m still in desperate need of therapy after seeing her last email.”

“Well, she is persistent. And really quite flexible,” Sherlock said, muffled by John’s hand.

John dropped his hand from Sherlock’s mouth and sat down heavily at the kitchen table.

“Oh god. We’re going to need to go into witness protection or something. We’ll have to change our names and move to Scotland,” John said gloomily.

“Don’t be dramatic, John. I have a plan!”

John peered up at Sherlock.

“Do I even want to know?”

Sherlock smirked, looking very pleased with himself.

“We’re going to need a Roomba, a shark suit that will fit a cat, a plunger and some jam!”

**Author's Note:**

> I've spent too long watching Shark Cat on a Roomba.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-VZc04hLk0


End file.
